Feb. 16th, 2017

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So, I may have shot myself in the foot with Femslash February.

I mentioned before in my bingo posts that I decided not to do something every day this year, as I have the past... three, I think? I'm going with three. Though I'm pretty sure it was only the last two that I wrote a new fic every day... Anyway. What I did decide to do this year is write and post something specifically for the event every week.

Now, I had no particular plan beyond that. After posting my first weekly fic and beyond, I had no idea. On the day I was meant to post the second fic, I had no idea. Would I post a different ship each week, all in different fandoms? A different ship each week but all from the same fandom? Or maybe just the same universe? Would I do something entirely new each time or do a mix of new stuff and stuff from my WIPs? No idea. So, on the day itself, I set myself to work on some femslash WIPs and also considered some ideas for a new fic. What I ended up doing is possibly the one thing I was certain that I wasn't going to do: I wrote a new fic for the same ship I'd written and posted the week before.

The thing about me is, I get caught up in patterns. And lack thereof. Either things have to be in order or there has to be a precedent for chaos (what an acceptable precedent is exactly depends on the circumstances surrounding it). Last year for Femslash February, I ended up writing a few fics I hadn't intended or even especially wanted to-- not that I regret what I came up with, mind-- because I couldn't, couldn't stand the thought of having repeats of just one fandom or just one character. During Naruto Yuri Week a couple-few years ago, I had a personal hissy fit when connectivity issues delayed me just long enough that my posting skipped a single day. I still can't stand to see all the fics lined up on my Tumblr because of the date mark.  I've been nauseated by the possibility of having the same thing happen again-- and, I'll admit it, sometimes I post "place-holders" when I'm having trouble so that the date is still correct whenever I can post properly. The bad feelings don't typically linger longer than a day-- recurrences aside-- and don't send me spiraling into any especially destructive behaviors, but they're intense while they last and I feel them all over me. So setting myself up like this? Not a great move on my part.

Granted, on the surface, it's not that hard of a hit. The second week was always going to lock me into a decision. Different fandom? That was gonna be my pattern. Different ship in the same fandom or universe? That was gonna be my pattern. By itself, settling into a "same ship each week" pattern isn't that big of a deal. And, heck, I still have some leeway. I can't do two different ships or fandoms for the next two weeks, but I have the option of doing a different ship and/or fandom for both of those two weeks than for the last two.

My problem comes with the ship itself. Anode/Lug-- or Anolug-- from IDW's Transformers title Lost Light. The characters were only introduced two issues ago but I love them both and I'm sailing into the sunset on this ship. There are a few reasons why I jumped so eagerly aboard, but my course is definitely informed at this point by spite. There's a theory going around, a distressingly plausible theory, that one of the characters doesn't actually exist. People have pointed out that no one but her partner ever addresses her directly and the one time her partner addresses her directly in front of someone, that someone responds as though she spoke to him; plot movement-wise, every scene she's in works perfectly well without her. The next issue looks like it might be set to confirm one way or the other.

This is where my feelings and my thoughts get snarled. As I said, this is a ship I'm very fond of. There's a big part of me that wants to write them for as long as canon's good for it. But while I'm writing every day, I've set myself into the pattern this month of only posting finished fics on my main accounts for Femslash February. If I'm going to write and post for it before canon shoots a canonball through it, therefore, it's going to be for Femslash February. Thus, again, one fic per week. The new issue of the comic is due to come out on the twenty-second of this month, the day after I'd post the third fic. And there's no indication of the delays that habitually plague this title because of freaking course there freaking isn't.

Still, on the surface, not that much of a problem. It'd hardly be the first non-canon ship I've sailed well beyond its compatibility with canon. See also: Most of my Naruto and Harry Potter ships, for starters. Except. Notice how I said I'm sailing this ship into the sunset, not that I'll go down with it? That's because I'm not sure I will-- can-- go down with it. If the Not Real theory is correct, how it's handled (is she a grief-projected play of Dead All Along? Is she a purely imaginary friend?) might very well send me hurtling overboard. Some ships, canon can legitimately ruin for me and no amount of Canon Discontinuity will fix them in my mind. It doesn't happen often, in the grand scheme of things, and even I'm not one hundred percent sure of what elements hit those buttons in my brain. But I can feel the fingers of canon hovering over those buttons in this case. Which means that if I post a third Anolug fic for the third week of FemFeb and then the new issue sinks the ship, I'm left floundering for the next week.

Of course, I can still commit myself to a different ship for the next two weeks instead. But if the new issue doesn't ruin my ship, I'm likely going to feel the disappointment of changing ships without strict need very keenly. On top of that, I'm just not feeling any other ship right now in a "produce content for two consecutive weeks" way. And then topping it off, I do already have an idea for another Anolug fic that I'm actually looking forward to writing... Time will tell, I suppose.

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